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I was an Ice Queen.

This story is difficult to share but I feel I need to. I need to document it and put it out there for a number of reasons that I’m not going share right now.

When I was younger, I was shy. I wasn’t particularly good at asking boys out, although I once did pluck up the courage to ring a boy at home, on the landline no less, to see if he wanted to meet up. I think that was the bravest thing I’d ever done involving boys when I was younger.

When eventually I did end up dating, I found it really hard to let myself go. Some might say I was a bit of an Ice Queen because I never let anyone ‘in’. I think it was a self preservation instinct because of my shyness. I often seemed aloof and never really allowed myself to properly ‘fall’ for anyone.

I’d shut relationships down before they got a chance to develop, or get to anything more than just fun. I found my boyfriends ended up really falling for me and because of that ‘neediness’ I pulled away.

My longest relationship was about six months before I met my husband.

But this story isn’t about my husband. It’s about the man I fell in love with who broke my heart before I met my husband.

He was an actor and we met on tour. Straight away we had a kinship. I don’t know what it was but we just connected and I felt like I had always known him. He was easy to talk to, made me laugh and just kind of ‘got’ me. The problem was he had a girlfriend.

I know he had a lot of internal conflict about the two of us but I’ll not be going into that as it would only be assumptions and that his story to tell, not mine.

We struck up a relationship, despite the situation, and for two different theatre tours we spent time together enjoying each others company.

Touring is a strange life, because you live out of each others pockets for the entire time and it almost seems like you live in a bubble. I lived in that bubble for six months. I fell deeply in love, like I’d never done before. My Ice Queen persona melted and I allowed my heart and soul to be given.

As you can imagine, the relationship didn’t work out. Towards the end of the tour, he needed to make a decision. I know it was agony for him, but in the end he didn’t choose me. My heart was utterly broken – to the point that I had an actual physical pain in my chest for weeks.

We somehow managed to finish the tour without any drama but once I came out of that bubble I felt completely lost and bereft. I had always wanted to go travelling and this was my perfect excuse to do so. I was 29 and felt like this needed to be done before I turned 30. So I made it happen. I got a loan, packed my bag and went for a solo trip around the world for six months.

On my return, I met this man again just as a friend and although it was nice to see him, the pain was still there. It still felt like our relationship was in limbo. Even though I’d had time away having incredible adventures the bond still existed. The feeling continued until I met my husband at a friends wedding.

I met Phil, had a fling and thought nothing of it. But he was quite insistent that we saw each other again. I threw caution to the wind and just went with what came up. Quite soon into our relationship I knew this was something more than a fling but I was still in touch with the man that broke my heart. I took the decision to sever ties with him because I knew I couldn’t move forward if he was still a presence.

The reason I write this story is that I believe that other man was in my life for a reason. He allowed the Ice Queen in me to melt so that I was open and able to receive Phil into my life.

I do not mean our life together is a bed of roses. We have our challenges and conflicts, but so far we have weathered all manner of things for nearly ten years. That’s saying something, after my longest relationship before that was six months.

I remember reading a book, I’m afraid I don’t even remember what book it was, but a page in it stood out and I took a photo of it. It helped me understand why this heart break happened. I have copied the text below for you to read.

It happens like this: One day you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you feel more connected to this stranger than anyone else – closer to them than your closest family.
Perhaps because this person carries an angel within them – one sent to you for some higher purpose, to teach you an important lesson or to keep you safe during a perilous time. What you must do is trust in them – even if they come hand in hand with pain or suffering – the reason for their presence will become clear in due time.

Though here is a word of warning – you may grow to love this person but remember they are not yours to keep. Their purpose isn’t to save you but to show you how to save yourself. And once this is fulfilled, the halo lifts and the angel leaves their body as the person exits your life. They will be a stranger to you once more.

This man was the catalyst to a big change in my life and a new trajectory. I know my life would look a lot different if I had not allowed myself to fall in love with Phil.


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